Little Fingers

For a six-year old, it could not have been more boring. She missed the outdoors, being on the swings, or the sandpit with the other kids. And her bicycle. Oh, her beloved bicycle. She loved the warmth of the sunrays falling on her face and the sweet air of spring filling her nose as she wheeled down the sloping sidewalks and lanes of her neighbourhood. She did not completely understand the place she had been brought to right now.

It was a place filled with a bright yellow light pouring out of a huge lamp that was hanging from the ceiling. She tilted her head to look up, leaning so far back that she almost fell over. It was a very high ceiling. We can’t be at someone’s house, she thought to herself. Who are these people in the funny clothes? The funnily-clothed people seemed to be serving food and drinks to her parents and their friends.

Everyone seemed to be showering attention on her mother. Her mother might be the toast of the party, but the little girl did not feel like joining in. She had seen many of these gatherings, and they were all the same to her.

She broke away from the group, lost in herself, and started walking around hoping to find someone to talk to. They all adored her but would eventually turn away with a small smile and engage in themselves. Big people, talking about big, grown-up things. She started prancing around. Soft music was coming from somewhere. She could not find the source but found it very calming, if too slow for her taste. Her frock and curly auburn hair swayed behind her as she went running under a table or chair, emerged on the other side only to repeat the whole thing again. As it was with her cycling in the neighbourhood, her scampering ended with her mother calling, “Come here sweetheart. Alanna, come here sweetie. You’ll get lost.”

v   

“Lost somewhere, Paige?” A voice shook her out of her languor.

“N-no, not at all…….yes, the Agermeyers tomorrow. Please, carry on.” the woman replied.

The grating voice of her boss, after going on incessantly about the case for over a hour, was getting to her now. Haven’t we gone over these enough already? she fumed silently. Not that there had been any slip-up at court, but her boss would insist on running over every single detail, even the ones that had long been dealt with and put to rest.

But Paige had no choice about this working dinner. Her boss was a senior partner, and as a new associate, she had to acquiesce to everything. Such is life, she would constantly say. Repeating those words were the only way she consoled herself during countless late nights. Keep greasing the wheels. Just a year more, another push there, and it’ll be over. She could finally lop off a large chunk of her loans and find another place to work. That wouldn’t be too hard; Landis & Steinbeck looked great on any resume, especially for someone only a couple of years fresh out of law school. Maybe a smaller, less chaotic firm. Hopefully land a position at the DA’s office, like she’d always aspired to.

Now, she was sitting with Landis at a restaurant that even a year ago she would not have dared to step in. Apparently this was where all the city’s hotshots came by. The dinner part had been a disappointment. The salad that had been brought before her consisted of a single sprig of lettuce. The bland salmon that followed shortly after didn’t do anything for her palate – and after such a gruelling day, she’d been starving.

The latest case was a tough one, and really hard on her. A wrongful death suit had been filed by the parents of a young production assistant who had fallen off a suspended dais during a shoot. It had been all over the news, and the movie studio involved was taking a lot of heat. Allegedly, they had made the young man clamber up on the platform to test its strength. The test failed. This is where Landis & Steinbeck came in. The studio was their biggest client and they were on the line. Losing this case could compromise the relationship with them. A preliminary out-of-court settlement had already been tossed aside by the PA’s family. The trial had gotten underway a few days ago and was taking a toll on both parties. Well, more accurately, Landis appeared unfazed, but for the young associate it was a most unpleasant affair.

v   

The girl ducked under the table for what seemed the umpteenth time. She would tire soon and then find something else to do. She always did. Scolding and calls of concern mingled with shouts of laughter and amusement to produce a strange jumble of voices in her ears. This too she was used to. After a while, they would all simmer down and resume their usual grown-up stuff. She wished there was someone to play with. She always hoped that whenever someone new would walk in through her parents’ door, there would be a smiling boy or girl clinging to the grownup’s hand. A new face that she hadn’t seen before, someone that she could take upstairs to her room and share her stuffed teddies with. Or watch her favourite cartoons with. It didn’t matter, so long as he or she could laugh as much or scurry as fast as she did.

v   

No remorse, kept repeating itself in her head. Those were Landis’ words to her in his office the night before the beginning of the deposition. “Don’t think I don’t know exactly what we’re doing here. Or what you’re going through.”

“I was standing exactly where you are right now.” he continued. “Young, idealistic, think you can change the world. It doesn’t work. You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s just business. You’d do well to treat it as such.”

It was easier said than done, but that’s exactly what Paige did. Not like she had much choice, that’s what she had to do, if she was to survive. She had stood there in stony silence that evening, unable to muster a reply. The case itself had disgusted her and it was painful dealing with the grieving parents. It wasn’t too long ago that she too had been a kid at college. But when a name partner was watching your every move as much as opposing counsel, you used every trick in the book. Get the job done, as many constantly reminded her, including her own parents who seemed to be breathing down her neck as much as Landis these days.

Now, brushing away morsels of the pallid salmon that had inexplicably made its way down to her skirt, she couldn’t wait to have this over with and get back to her apartment. A few hours of sleep, that’s all she wanted. And then it was back to the battlefield tomorrow morning, for another bout of mental tussling that would surely drive yet another family to the breaking point.

v   

The little girl had left her dinner largely untouched and gone off somewhere again. The food tasted funny. For some time, she had been looking at the people seated at the other tables. She enjoyed doing this, observing other people around her. Sometimes she would wave to someone or go closer and say hello. Sometimes, she would even nick something from their plates and snack on it mischievously in front of them.

For the most part, the grown-ups did not seem to have a problem. Some even found it extremely cute. Of course, her mother would usually come over and apologize to the unfortunate victim of the girl’s antics. Then she would take the little girl back to the family table and scold her, but not in an overly harsh manner.

Her eyes travelled the room and saw all kinds of people. There was a man and woman at one table who couldn’t seem to stop staring at each other. Two spots from them was another man who sat alone, jabbering on his phone and doing something on the computer-thingy that Father would often use at home. There was one of the funnily-dressed men speaking to another funnily-dressed man in a voice higher than she was used to.

At a table on one of the far corners were a youngish woman and an older man. The man seemed to do a lot of talking and moving around with his hands while the woman sat quiet most of the time. But suddenly, the woman moved her head sideways to look at the little girl. The little girl could make out the faintest smile on her face, as if she almost beckoned her to come closer.

v   

For a while now, Paige had been watching the little girl out of the corner of the eye. Despite the best efforts of her mother, the girl just couldn’t seem to sit still. Pretty little creature, she thought. Oh to be that young and carefree, she mused, with perhaps the slightest pang of longing and regret. She watched with further amusement as the little girl darted in and out of tables and chairs. Her eyes widened when she saw her run under a particularly tall waiter carrying dishes.

By now Landis had simmered down a little, trying to down the remnants of the dessert he had just ordered. Paige’s attention was now firmly on the little girl. As if she could somehow pick up on it, the little girl turned her head to look at her. Paige smiled at her and gave her a small wave under the table.

The little girl was very shy, as many children are. She stood rooted to the spot, perhaps not expecting anyone in the restaurant, least of all an adult, to pay her any mind. Paige couldn’t help but feel a sense of anticipation about what the child would do next, but secretly was quite sure of her next few steps.

v   

Alanna teetered between staying still or going up to the woman, who had a warm and inviting smile. On the other hand, the man she was with did not have the friendliest face and seemed preoccupied with his food. But she did not let that bother her. Things like that never had. There was something about the woman though, innocent and almost child-like, covered up by all that fancy grown-up clothing.

v   

“Hmphh, annoying little brat. And the parents, just letting her run around like that, making a nuisance…….” Landis’ voice, with its usual tone of condescension towards everything and everyone that existed outside of him, seemed to trail away in the plastic air of the restaurant. As she expected, the little girl, overcoming her initial hesitation, drew closer to the table. And then, quite unexpectedly but nevertheless amusing, she picked one of the shrimp that Paige had left on the side of her plate and gulped it down. It took almost everything Paige had to stifle her laughter and give her a hug, so adorable she found her.

But again, mindful of the company, restraint was called for – as it had been, with increasing frequency, since she had joined L&S. She couldn’t remember the last time she could get away with anything. Bringing up the wrong film or artist at work would reflect on her intelligence. She recalled Landis running down a colleague behind his back the other day with a couple of junior partners, when the man had told him about taking his wife to the ballet. Her colleagues didn’t seem to exhibit any semblance of emotion or inclination to bond whatsoever. Even her own parents only asked about work and what she had planned for the future.

At that moment, she had looked at the little girl and wondered. For the first time in her life, she felt as though she was truly seeing. To live like that, unfettered, free of the trappings of the world and the expectations of others. Still innocent, still untouched by the world and what it did to a person. The PA and his family jumped to the forefront of her mind again. They weighed on her each and every day.

After a while, the little girl’s mother came over and made countless apologies, which made Paige smile further. She dismissed it and invited her to stay awhile if she wanted. Landis maintained an overt detachment the entire time, only grunting incomprehensibly whenever the mother attempted to engage him in conversation. At this point, Paige couldn’t care about him or their pending business any less. The little girl herself had gone away somewhere, perhaps satisfied with the shrimp.

v   

A few minutes after the mother walked away, Landis rose from his chair, signalling the end of the dinner. Paige was thoroughly relieved. She had come here feeling tired and slightly downcast but could now feel a palpable smile etched on her face.

“Ready to leave? I’m sure you at least had an eventful evening.” Landis’s voice cracked in.

The next few moments seemed almost like a blur to her. At least that’s what it seemed like later on, when she had time to comprehend what she had done. She couldn’t believe that she had gone through with it, but in no way did she regret it. She didn’t even care about the admonishments she got from close friends and family when she recounted the incident days later.

As they parted at the entrance, she walking down the road in the direction of her apartment and he waiting for the valet to bring his car, she whipped around and called out to him, “Oh Mr. Landis, thanks for such an exquisite dinner.” flinging the black leather-bound case file into the air as she did so, waiting only long enough for its descent to briefly blot out Landis’ astounded face.